this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
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Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
the saddest jazz hands ever
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Did a trash talking tree write this?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker