[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
You Might Also Like
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
ACED my prostate exam!
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”