Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
oh my god
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.