My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
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Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”