Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
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The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer