My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
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Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don鈥檛 know who i am lmao]
me: ok
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I love all my family members and wouldn鈥檛 sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira鈥檚 hips have the same reputation
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
me: what鈥檚 your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn鈥檛 know you could do j sounds it actua鈥攊t is jeff
Fights fire with marshmallows
Life Coach: Tell me something you鈥檝e done that鈥檚 amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[Leaving for work]
*can鈥檛 find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can鈥檛 find computer bag*
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
馃幎 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schr枚edi
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Son: but I don鈥檛 like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy