doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
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the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Meowchelangelo
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.