When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

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kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl


A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.


Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician


I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.


“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens


I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.


Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth


Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”



Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy