When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
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1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
How to woo a woman
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.