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3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
[guy who鈥檚 about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
self-esteem鈥檚 so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I鈥檓 saving my appetite for something pure
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I鈥檓 eating chips and watching TV and I鈥檓 not annoyed anymore.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don鈥檛 have time for.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don鈥檛 know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we鈥檒l be dining at the gas station.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn鈥檛
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.