[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
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I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.