There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
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Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew