i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
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When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*