i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
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“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My niece is a child psychologist.
For a 12 y/o, her diagnoses are remarkably accurate!
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Teacher: what are 2, 4, 6, and 8?
Steven: even numbers
Stephen: ephen numbers
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
This did not end as expected.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”