My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
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*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
A flock of dads is called a grill.
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.