My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
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When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift