Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
You Might Also Like
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*