[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
You Might Also Like
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Social Media and Real life
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
God has abandoned us.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop