#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
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I don’t hate children, just yours.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
uncle dave has been through hell
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.