If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

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court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.


Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?


All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.


Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.


“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….


They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.


Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.


Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.