GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home