GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
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🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
You know…for fall…
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
#polloftheday
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica