Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
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When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Lol.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.