Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
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The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again