Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
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When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.