Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
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My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
How do you milk an almond?