Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
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everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
“Sheer Arrogance”
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
*ernest hemingway voice*
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…