[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
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My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.