Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
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Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden