10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
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In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
first you must answer his riddles
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
#Thanos #MondayMood
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice