I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
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Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
British websites use biscuits.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.