Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
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My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes