what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
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I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
i will avenge u mr van gogh
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.