The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
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one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”