I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
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Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?