I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
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how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?