friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
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ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.