Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
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jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.