On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
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I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Happy Febuary everyone!
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester