If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
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Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
😅😅😅
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?