I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
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Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.