Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.