Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
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COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Me, flirting😏
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.