“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
You Might Also Like
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road