My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
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Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
How do you milk an almond?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.