@GrantTanaka First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
@quietlybiased Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
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@GrantTanaka 
@Roweboat13G ‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
@stephenjmolloy Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
@ChaseMit Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
@behindyourback If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
@mrjohndarby [after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
@AndyAsAdjective [kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
@kryzazzy I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
@HrBry Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
@TitansHomer Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??