@quietlybiased

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

@Roweboat13G

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”

@ChaseMit

Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.

@behindyourback

If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

@mrjohndarby

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep

@AndyAsAdjective

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

@kryzazzy

I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches

@HrBry

Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars

@TitansHomer

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??