Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
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Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.