I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
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If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Goat cheese is for herders.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe