Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
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If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
This forever.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Watson was Holmes schooled
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now