I just checked Web MD and I have everything
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It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
just left a huge legacy in there
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
I bet birds love this building.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably