I just checked Web MD and I have everything
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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
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Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.