The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
![]()
You Might Also Like
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
one of
![]()
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
![]()
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.