The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
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Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”