Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
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Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?