INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
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“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Encore…
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.