I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
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*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
good for her
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days